Women as negotiators: When to speak up for yourself in the workplace – and why it really matters
The turning point came more than two decades ago when she was working in Kansas City. Her boss, the manager of the cash management division where she worked, left to take another job. The division executive invited her to lunch to discuss the open position, lauded her job performance but said she didn’t have enough experience for the new opening.
At first, Maledy accepted his praise and the situation. But the next day, she called him and told him flat out, “I feel I can do it,” and proceeded to outline her qualities and why she was the right candidate for the job. She then noted she might need extra help at first but she was ready to take the next step into management.
The executive heard her and named her to the position as the interim manager. Three months later, she got the promotion — and a significant raise. The rest, as they say, is history. The story demonstrates the value of negotiating and several negotiating principals all women should put in place.
Why negotiating is important
The cost of women’s historical hesitancy to negotiate shows up in dollars and cents. Today, women make an average of 80 percent as much as men, according to a recent report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That’s up from 62 cents on a dollar in 1979 and down a penny from a high of 81 percent in 2005 and 2006.
These figures are drawn from an analysis of data from the Current Population Survey and compare men and women working full time in wage or salary jobs. The data does provide some good news. In construction, women earn 92 percent of men’s earnings; however, in financial services women earn only 71 percent of men’s median wages.
Although the BLS doesn’t say why this gap exists, plenty of other publications do. Some of the difference can be blamed on women taking time out from paid jobs to care for children or aging parents. “But much of this difference is due to the reluctance of women to believe that they deserve more and the hesitancy of females to use their bargaining skills to obtain greater salary increases,” noted Charles B. Craver in his review of the book Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide.
Although Craver goes on to note the dangers of wage differentials based on gender such as a company being exposed to liability under the Equal Pay Act, he said empirical evidence — research — shows women are less comfortable bargaining than men.
For women, the problem results in less money in their pockets all their lives. As Dianne Lynch, president of Stephens College, noted, “When you start low, you stay low.” That’s because raises often come in terms of a percentage of your income, so a woman’s reluctance to negotiate for what she’s worth will continue to harm her all her working life.
Getting what you are worth
So what’s a woman to do? Negotiating is a skill that can be learned, said Cathy Atkins, owner of Savant Business Development Systems, a Sandler Training center in Columbia. In fact, it’s one of her favorite topics to teach, she said. Her firm provides coaching and trains 50 to 100 individuals a month in person and online.
Although negotiation skills can be learned, Atkins said, “No one learns it overnight, and you get better with practice.”
Maledy’s negotiation skills might have come from her background. With a degree from Stephens College’s equestrian program, she managed a stable and taught equestrian science before going into banking. She learned while working with horses and riders that you can’t bully your way through life; you have to evaluate skills and look for ways to motivate both horse and rider.
And that takes both finesse and pluck. As Maledy looked back on her negotiating turning point, she said: “I had the courage to come back to him and say I’m able to do this. I did not accept it; I pushed back a little bit.”
Finally, she offered this advice to other women: “If you don’t speak up, you might not be heard.”
Atkins, Maledy and Lynch provided these negotiating tips:
Acceptance: “You get what you negotiate for,” Atkins said, “so accept that you negotiate every single day in all aspects of your life, whether it’s buying a car, getting your teenager to come home at a reasonable hour or minimizing the time you spend with your in-laws at Thanksgiving.”
Wear Kevlar: No matter what’s said, don’t take it personally, advised Atkins and others. Remember, whoever becomes emotional first loses. If necessary, take time out so you can rein in your emotions.
Attitude adjustment: Begin with the attitude that negation is an effort to find common ground, and move toward finding the best possible outcome, Lynch said. This helps to keep the discussion from becoming emotional. Remember, Lynch added, “Reasonable people can disagree and often do.”
Plan: Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to you. Know what you want. Years before Maledy’s eventful lunch, she’d written on a performance evaluation that she wanted to head up her department. When her opportunity came, she knew what she wanted — and she asked for it.
Anticipate: Some people, including some men, see negotiating as a game, so anticipate what strategies they might use, Atkins said.
Recognize: Know the kind of person you are dealing with, what’s important to them, what type of information they value, what kind of information might influence them, what type of approach might work, Maledy advised.
Step back: During a conflict, instead of assigning negative motives such as your child is trying to be disrespectful or someone at the office is wants to make you look bad, step back and look at what he or she said and how or why you disagree. Stay objective, and, if necessary, write down the facts to remove any emotions, Lynch said.
Stop: During negotiations, Lynch said it is crucial to stop, pause and spend a moment in the other person’s shoes to understand his or her perspective on the situation. The best results, she said, come from negotiations that involve respect and mutual understanding.
Know your bottom line: Atkins said it’s important to know when to pull your final card, when to say, “I’m done,” what you won’t give up and what you will.
Pick your battles: Maledy said it’s important to know when to walk away but also advised patience. The time to negotiate might come again if you keep your eyes open.
Get a mentor: Atkins advised all women to find a mentor, someone who negotiates effectively. Look for someone with “the heart of a warrior, the spirit of a servant” and someone tough enough to tell you if you’re doing something wrong.
Give yourself permission: Women often have a tape inside telling us we can’t speak up, Atkins said. Give yourself the permission to speak up for yourself, to upset someone, to offend someone and get your needs met.
Believe: Bolster your confidence and your belief in yourself. Atkins advised using positive statements on a daily basis, reading them before going to sleep and then journaling on them each morning. The statement should be something you can’t wiggle out of such as, “I am this,” or “I do this.” Take out all the qualifiers, she said.