Mornings.

Ahhh, mornings with a child–a peaceful time where you prepare for the day and everything that comes with it. If you actually believe it’s peaceful, I’d like to offer up sandpaper underwear, divorce and getting punched in the face as alternatives to mornings with a child.

Before I go too deep into this rant, I assure you I’m embellishing a bit. That’s done for effect, and C is 99 percent of the time a really great kid that I have no problems with. It doesn’t happen every morning. In fact, most mornings, it goes pretty smoothly because I’m in charge, and she is not. Well, I like to think so, and “don’t ruin my dream. I don’t want your life.” (Props if you understand that reference).

Ready for a not-s0-great morning with a child? Here we go:

– Wake up at 5 a.m, hit snooze button until 6 a.m., realize you need to get some work done, so you turn the computer on and look for your glasses.

-Realize your glasses are somehow under the bed. I debate going back to bed or MacGyvering a means to retrieve said glasses instead of, you know, getting down on the floor and reaching for them.

-Get work done, so you can get ready for work.

-Wake child at 7 a.m.

-Attempt to get her out of bed by picking her up arm by an arm and a  leg and setting her on floor.

-Plead for her to use the bathroom and take off the clothes she has wet. (Note: C is 5. Your experience might vary.)

-Return to own room to dress.

-Proceed to give the child a countdown to dress reminding her she needs to get dressed or risk being left at home

-Calm child and stop tears after she freaks out about being left at home.

-Pick out every item of clothing the child doesn’t want to wear. This is logical. We all narrow down our choices to the last possible thing remains. It makes us feel like we made the right choice.

-Go outside to start the car. Get frostbite and hypothermia.

-Reevaluate your life starting with that one time you were scared to go down the slide in 3rd grade.

-See the child has yet to get dressed. Get mad and threaten with, “If you don’t, you aren’t going to school today.” If you have teenagers, I suggest avoiding this step. That’s what we call “stupid”.

-Finally, get child dressed.

-Child goes through 525465 different things she NEEDS to bring to school that day. None have been mentioned to you. (Sidebar: I’ll give C credit. A lot of the things are brought to share with classmates. She has a surprisingly giving heart, and I could learn a LOT from her.)

-Tell her she can pick two.

-Get frustrated and send child to her room crying.

-Explain why she can’t bring certain items.

-Explain why you’re not apologizing.

-Get child breakfast of cold Pop-Tart and Capri Sun. (Seriously, I need a Capri Sun sponsorship for as much as she drinks.)

-Take to preschool, engage in conversation with teacher and end up staying to read Dr Seuss to the class.

-Return home, look over bills and cry.

-Debate going back to bed until the child is done at school, realize things must get done and cry again.

-Lay down for a nap while crying self to sleep

End scene.

See? Easiest thing ever.