LFCS guides families through the adoption process

When Stephanie and Jason discovered they would not be able to have a child biologically, they turned to Lutheran Family and Children’s Services to explore adoption options.

“A friend of mine that lived in Columbia at the time just suggested that we contact them,” Stephanie said. “So we did.”

That was October 2002. The pair, who asked their last names not be used in the story, welcomed 5-week-old Tyler into their home in March 2004.

Tyler introduced Stephanie, 38, and Jason, 43, to “a whole different world,” Stephanie said. “We’ve loved it, loved every minute of it,” Stephanie said of being a parent. “Wouldn’t change it for the world. Wouldn’t change a thing.”

The now-4-year-old Tyler loves to be a “typical kid,” playing baseball, riding his bike or riding a tractor belonging to his grandfather, who lives next door. He likes to read and loves doing things with his family, Stephanie said.

“(He is) very busy but very wonderful,” she said.

The year-and-a-half waiting period between signing up with the agency and becoming parents wasn’t an easy one, Stephanie said, but the soon-to-be parents found a constant companion with LFCS and their social worker at the agency, Christine White.

“When you’re going through this, it can be frustrating,” Stephanie said. “It can be overwhelming, and the staff was very supportive and very helpful.”

The pair was “awesome,” White said. “They were a really fun, sweet family.”

White, 39, followed the family from the beginning of the process all the way through the adoption.

“It’s so rewarding,” White said. “They are just overjoyed, and just in love with that kid.”

A Lutheran minister started LFCS in St. Louis in 1868 as a way to house war orphans following the Civil War. Now with four offices statewide, the agency still has ties to the Lutheran church.

White, who also serves as director of the Columbia-based Mid-Missouri regional office, offered a simplified version of the agency’s mission.

“Honestly what I would tell you is our mission is to build and strengthen families,” she said. “That’s kind of general, but it covers it all.”

The agency works with all parties involved with the adoption process, including the birth parents.

The process starts from the moment someone walks in and says she’s pregnant.

“One of the things that sets our agency apart from other agencies is that we serve people unconditionally,” White said. “We can say to a birth mother, ‘You know what, you’ve got six months to figure this out. We will support you whether you plan to parent or whether you plan to make an adoption plan.'”

Most adoption agencies won’t help birth parents without an adoption plan, White said, but LFCS can support a parent regardless of their ultimate decision.

Some wiggle room is usually necessary.

“In the six years that I’ve been here, I’ve never seen a birth parent come in a not waffle, or not really think about that decision,” she said.

The facility charges on a sliding scale. The average adoption costs the agency about $25,000, but the average fee to a family is about $12,000, White said, with donations and grants making up the rest. There are no costs for the birth family.

Tyler’s birth parents were at the time of his birth college students who were already raising another child. The birth parents choose Stephanie and Jason out of a series of potential parents, and later met Stephanie and Jason about a year after the adoption.

White recalled the birth father explaining their choice at the meeting. “The reason we picked you is because you’re who we want to be when we grow up,” she remembered him saying.

Meetings such as that one are part of the grieving for the birth parents, White said.

“People think that it’s an event, that the baby’s born, the baby goes to the family and that’s it,” she said. “In so many ways, birth parents, that’s such a loving, selfless decision, they don’t stop wondering, or loving, or hoping for that child for the rest of that child’s life.”

Once an individual becomes a client of LFCS, they remain one for life, White said. The agency will provide counseling and try to arrange updates for birth parents for as long as needed.

Meetings such as Stephanie and Jason’s are becoming more common, White said, but the agency takes great care to protect all involved in the adoption process.

“To have such generosity on the part of the adoptive parents is really such a gift,” she said.

It’s a gift for Tyler as well.

“It helped us understand, so when Tyler gets a little older and starts having questions we can answer some of those questions,” Stephanie said.