Speaking Out: Global warming guilt finally gets to me

I recently had major heart surgery. I now have more bypasses than the St. Louis metropolitan area. It is one of those experiences that makes you reflect back on your life and question the direction you are going in the future.

Several weeks after my surgery, my physician sat me down and asked, “Mr. Shorr, do you know what caused your heart disease?” I immediately replied, “Of course, global warming!”

After watching hours and hours of television during my recovery, I can honestly tell you that global warming is the cause of every malady on this earth. It causes the rain to fall or droughts to happen. It causes tornadoes and hurricanes. It causes elephants to stampede. It causes children to watch “Spongebob Squarepants” and reruns of “M-A-S-H.”

Even at 4 a.m. during infomercials, the Ad Council’s brainwashing, guilt-provoking, children-begging commercials about global warming appear. Every hour, every day. Trust me; I’ve watched every hour, every day.

There are more pieces about global warming on television than about Barack Obama on CNN. Enough already! I get it. I’ll do my part.

Here I thought my big problem was obesity and the fact that I had to lose weight. Who would have thought that my “carbon footprint” was more important that the size of my big derriere?

Conveniently, I have found that by losing weight, I can reduce my carbon signature—or at least the size of my shadow. If I curb my obesity, my car will use less gas and, of course, I can use the trans fats from the fryer to fuel my diesel engine.

I watched a special on global warming, and they told me the largest producer of greenhouse gases is the world’s oceans. This spring break, my children and I went to the ocean and yelled at it. We told it to stop producing greenhouse emissions. We took the trip in our mind, however, because if we actually took a plane or a car to get to the beach and the ocean, we would be increasing the carbon footprint of the Shorr family.

But I know it’s all my fault, because the children in the Ad Council commercials made me cry. Just like the Indian who had the tear roll down his cheek that made me never litter again. I have been guilted into global warming submission, whether science indicates it’s appropriate or not.

After watching all the television, I couldn’t help but think that if we just get the politicians to quit campaigning and to shut up, the carbon footprint might improve.

If my recovery-in-front-of-the-television research on guilt is as accurate as global-warming science, I can guarantee you that Al Gore and the environmental community have managed to achieve the once-believed impossible: to have out-guilted the Catholic Church and my mother.